May
2000 Newsletter - Volume
3. Issue 5
In
This Issue
©2000 MB-F, Inc.
You may use this paragraph as
permission to reprint any article in the MB-F Newsletter providing 6rticles are printed in
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edit.
Free
For All
By Bob Christiansen
The Internet revolution has really
turned into a “Free for All” market place. Everything seems to
be free on the web – free phone number directories, free news,
free weather, free up-to-the minute stock quotes, free web
browsers, free long distance phone calls, and on and on. All this
wonderful information has become free and available at your
fingertips. The Internet business model revolves around generating
a valuable audience of traffic to a web site based on content,
with revenue tied to advertising and e-commerce. It reminds me of
the business model of television. You either access the TV signal
for free or pay a monthly cable connection fee and you are free to
“browse” all the TV your eyes care to watch. Actually, the
wonderful “free” content of shows, news, and is what holds
your attention ‘til you see advertisements and inducements to
buy items from commercial enterprises that pay the network for the
right to display their wares.
The Internet companies giving away
“free” information and services have raised tremendous
fortunes. Many times do-it-for-free companies are coming online
and spoiling an industry for everyone else. On the Internet people
expect a lot of things for free. If you don’t give it away, some
other start-up will. Internet companies are successful if they can
build a large audience of users without spending much and turn
them into paying propositions by bringing in advertising dollars
or moving users into online commerce.
Internet pioneers such as Yahoo
have proved this strategy. There is no charge for its Internet
directory service yet it has revenue in the hundreds of millions
and a market valuation in the double digit billions. Netscape gave
away browsers for free and yet America Online acquired them for
$10 billion. Hotmail, Inc. gave away free e-mail and yet was
purchased by Microsoft for $400 million. Both of these
acquisitions were valued based primarily on the volume of users
and traffic.
How does this relate to the dog
business? Well, the AKC is sitting on a virtual gold mine. They
are basically the only game in town when it comes to purebred
dogs. They have the name, the database, the studbook, and (at
least for the time being) the integrity to take purebred dogs to
unbelievable new heights in this information age. The three-part
AKC mission statement says that the AKC should:
1. Maintain a registry for purebred
dogs and preserve its integrity. 2. Sanction dog events that
promote interest in, and sustain the process of, breeding for type
and function of purebred dogs. 3. Take whatever actions necessary
to protect and assure the continuation of the sport of purebred
dogs.”
Furthermore, the 1999 AKC Annual
Report states “The long-range goal is to be the world’s
undisputed Internet authority on all things canine, so that the
greatest number of people can access the kind of accurate and
up-to-date information that only the AKC can provide.” The only
true asset the AKC has is information. This information exists in
the studbook; the member clubs, the judges, and show records. This
information enables the AKC to achieve its mission statement.
The new AKC web site is a good
start. It has come a long way from the original design and I’m
sure there are great plans for improvement. I do have one strong
and fundamental suggestion for the current AKC site and that is
the purpose of this article. I sincerely believe the AKC should
provide pedigrees and show records completely free on its web
site. The AKC has already been paid for the registration of the
dog in the studbook as well as a recording fee for the show
records. Why are they also charging for people to simply look at
this information? The purpose of pedigrees and show records is to
sustain the lifeblood of purebred dogs. The relatively small
revenue generated for access to this information only serves to
limit its use and further fuel the decline in registrations.
The general public should have full
access to breeding and show records and the ability to use it for
its true value. Its true value and purpose should be to provide
research to make a more intelligent decision when purchasing or
breeding a purebred dog. Puppy mills with no show or champion
records would become obsolete once this information is widely
available. The Internet could become an efficient information
space for the betterment of purebred dogs. The AKC would gain
revenue from advertising, e-commerce from sales of dog-related
items, and ultimately larger registrations. This is a virtual gold
mine!
Privacy is a very big “buzz”
word these days. Opponents to what I advocate will cry that open
access via the Internet to this data cannot be accomplished due to
privacy issues. Pedigrees and the studbook have always been
available to the general public. The pedigree and show records do
not contain addresses and phone numbers and actually do not
contain any information not already available in a dog show
catalog, the AKC awards publication, and now superintendents’
web sites. It would not take a moderately talented programmer a
great deal of effort to compile the data in the stud book and
awards publication and build an electronic database. I have
already seen one vendor at dog shows who was compiling the
show/judge records by scanning them from the Gazette Awards
publication and writing the data to a simple visual basic
database. He was selling a service on CD’s for a few hundred
dollars per year. It might only be a matter of time before someone
else catches on and beats the AKC to the free and open world of
the Internet with pedigrees and show records.
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FINAL
PHASE IN STREAMLINING OF MICHIGAN OPERATIONS
by Fred Lyman
We are pleased to announce that the
last phase in streamlining the MB-F Michigan operation is upon us.
Beginning August 1, 2000 entries will only be processed in the
North Carolina office. The Michigan office will continue to
receive mail, as does our California office, but entries will be
forwarded to North Carolina for processing.
This change will be an enhancement
to our service to exhibitors and to clubs. At present exhibitors
aren’t sure which office they should contact when they need
information or they have a problem with an entry. This change will
enable exhibitors to make one phone call for information or to
resolve any problem.
Over the last year all contracts,
settlements and payables have been moved to the North Carolina
office with great results. Having these items in one central
location has been an improvement in the efficiency of our service
to clubs. Taking this next step will now allow us to more
efficiently handle questions or problems of exhibitors as well.
One thing we want to make clear is
that there are NO plans to close the office in Madison Heights.
This office is an integral part of our business. Our excellent
set-up crew in this office is vital to our effort to provide
knowledgeable, dependable support to those clubs serviced out of
the Michigan office. In addition, the proximity of this office to
many of the clubs in this area allows us to continue to provide
service with a personal touch. Those clubs and exhibitors who
regularly visit this office should continue to do so.
In the midst of these important
changes we also have some important personnel announcements as
well. Scott Singleton, Vice President of Detroit Operations, and
MB-F Superintendent, has resigned from all duties with MB-F so
that he may devote more time to his family. Scott stepped in to
help with the initial changes in the Michigan office and made
himself available to clubs on a day-to-day basis. We appreciate
his willingness to help during that time and want to wish him many
happy years as he returns to retirement.
Richard W. Hamlin, an MB-F
Superintendent for the last 10 years will be stepping in as
Manager of the Michigan office. Dick, along with his wife,
Eleanor, are already known to many of you. Prior to joining MB-F
he was involved in Management at General Motors Corp. in
Engineering Budget and Cost. He has also been an Insurance Manager
with a Michigan bank. He was featured in the January 2000 issue of
the MB-F Newsletter.
Dick would like you to know he is
at your service and can be approached any time and is more than
willing to help. You may reach him at our Michigan office: 32351
Edward Av. or PO Box 9999, Madison Heights, MI 48071. The Michigan
office main telephone number is 248/588-5000. You may also reach
him on the toll-free Michigan club business only line
800/451-3034. E-mail may be sent to richard@infodog.com at any
time.
Clubs should also continue to
contact our Greensboro, NC office at the toll-free club business
only line 800/334-0813 to talk directly with those departments
involved in the production of your show.
We are confident this final phase
in the streamlining of operations to eliminate redundancies will
be met by the Fancy with the enthusiasm and positive response that
our earlier changes inspired.
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From
Where I Sit
by John S. Ward
From time to time one hears from
individual AKC Delegates that the Delegate body should have more
power. Presumably this would entail transferring certain functions
and authority from the Board of Directors to the Delegates. Before
we consider whether this should be done it might be interesting to
review how things were done in the past to see whether Delegate
participation in the affairs of the AKC has increased and if so to
what extent. I have been an AKC Delegate for 40 years and I’d
like to review for you how the system worked when I was the new
kid on the block.
At that time the top management of
the AKC differed substantially from the structure we have today. A
single individual served both as President and Chairman of the
Board, was an unpaid amateur, and was other otherwise employed. He
presided over both the Board and the Delegates’ meetings and was
elected from among the members of the Board. The principle
full-time paid employee of the Club was the executive Vice
President, who was assisted by an Executive Secretary and a
Secretary. The Treasurer was then as now selected from the members
of the Board and was unpaid.
Directors were elected for
four-year terms as now. A nominating committee was chosen by the
Board each year, met once at the headquarters in New York and
their Chairman was told discretely by the President which
individuals were preferred by the Board of Directors. The
committee in due course endorsed these suggestions and that was
it. Nominations by petition were possible but never occurred.
The Delegate body at that time of
course was only about half as large as it is now. The quarterly
meetings of the Delegates in New York began with a luncheon from
1:00 p.m. to 2:00 p.m., after which the meeting was called to
order. The meetings lasted from about 20 minutes to 40 minutes
without a written agenda. There were no women Delegates; the only
woman present was Phyllis B. Everett a longtime employee of the
Club.
There were no objective standards
for prospective judges, either conformation or obedience, and
there was no limitation on the number of breeds an applicant could
qualify for. Judges could be suspended or otherwise disciplined
without formal meetings or rights of appeal.
I think I have made my point which
is simply that the AKC in those days was an elitist organization.
Fortunately many of the more autocratic practices have vanished
and it has become more responsive to its public.
Two changes have taken place with
regard to the Delegate body, both of which have had a very
positive impact. In former years the Board did very little to
encourage clubs to become members of the AKC. In the past 10 years
or so however the requirements for membership have been
liberalized, including making provision for admittance of field
trial clubs and the number of member clubs has steadily risen.
The other change which occurred in
the early ‘90s was the establishment of Delegate Committees.
This action has greatly facilitated group discussion and
consideration by the Delegates of a wide variety of activities
related to our sport.
Which brings me back to the subject
I raised in the first paragraph of this column, that is, how to
increase the effectiveness of the Delegate body which of course
would enhance its power. There are currently eight Delegate
standing committees plus a committee which oversees the
publication of Perspectives, the Delegate newsletter. In my
opinion the number of Delegate Committees is too large, which has
resulted in diffusion of their effectiveness and dilution of the
impact of their reports and recommendations. If the number was
reduced to three or four I believe they could address broader
issues, thereby concentrating on policy matters which of course is
where true power resides.
When Delegate Committees were first
proposed, the Board created a committee to look into the matter.
The committee consisted of five Delegates and two Board members,
and the committee elected its own Chairman, who could not be a
Board member.
I strongly recommend that the Board
reconstitute such a committee with the objective of examining the
present structure of Delegate Committees. I would hope that such a
committee would reach the same conclusion that I did and would
recommend that the committees be more sharply focused by reducing
their number.
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The
Professional Handler
by Dorie Crowe
In light of the recent discussions
regarding Professional Handlers I just had to say something. I’ve
been very involved on a personal or business level with
Professional Handlers most of my life. My father was an AKC
Licensed All-Breed Professional Handler when it seemed to mean
something and elicited respect as a profession. I didn’t show
many dogs because I was always back at the crates or grooming
dogs, feeding dogs or shoveling the exchange of food in the x-pens
and kennel runs, or washing down runs and stalls. But I did see
and interact with the Professionals and have observed them over a
long period of time.
I don’t know what some folks
think Professional Handlers are – but it’s clear many people
do not understand what a Professional Handler is or does. The
extent of their knowledge about the profession is the perception
that all handlers win all the time and leave no room for the hobby
breeder/amateur in the sport.
I suspect this supposition began
planting itself firmly in the public eye when AKC discontinued
licensing handlers and absolutely anyone who wanted to call
themselves a “handler” (and we see a BIG difference between a
“Handler” and an “Agent”) could do so. This was a gross
injustice to both the Professional Handler and to the Fancy as
well.
What do you think a true
Professional Handler is? What do you think a true Professional
Handler does? Well, in the limited space available here’s a
brief bit of information:
For starters, the Professional has
come up through the ranks just like you. He or she usually began
by showing the family dog, many times in Juniors, finding out it
wasn’t the best, and getting a better one. This doesn’t mean
they necessarily went out and purchased the better dog; they may
also have bred some litters to get that better dog.
As he/she (hereafter I’ll be
using the editorial “he” recognizing that “she” is equally
important) became more proficient as an owner/handler, people
noticed what a good hand he had, and the fact he was doing a lot
of winning, and so asked him to handle their dog, too. Or, as a
Junior they began working at shows for a Professional Handler and
when they became of age they began working full-time as an
apprentice to that Handler. After a time, the apprentice began to
handle some of the dogs. After several years both the Handler and
the apprentice agree that it’s now time for the apprentice to go
out on their own.
During that time the apprentice is
learning all aspects of caring for dogs, grooming, handling
bookwork, assessing judges likes and dislikes, kennel management,
guiding a dogs’ show career, choosing advertising, assuming
responsibility for the animals in their charge, etc. All during
this time their love of dogs and their love of the Sport became so
firmly entrenched they could not imagine ever doing anything else
in their lives.
There was a logical and practical
progression in the career of a Professional Handler. Once a
handler, some never left the show ring; some went on to judge or
become active on some other level. No matter which, the
Professional never stopped learning, never stopped being involved
on some level. Usually, they had a lasting impact on the sport.
To some degree that’s still true
today. However, the sport has been greatly diminished because now
anyone who wants to call himself a “handler” can do so just by
saying they are a “handler” and maybe printing up a business
card. There used to be hundreds of Professional Handlers; now
there are thousands of “agents”. Sorry, this just doesn’t
make one a PROFESSIONAL.
What does? Well, now you have a dog
and you can’t show it all the time, or you just have no talent
for the ring, so you want a Professional Handler. First, don’t
you want some assurances about this person? You want to know that
those who bred your dog have done their homework and that those
who judge your dog have passed a course of study. Don’t you want
some assurance that the person who’s going to have the care,
custody and control of your “precious” for days or weeks at a
time has at least met some requirements of responsibility?
In answer to another myth:
Professional Handlers will not automatically take any dog that’s
offered. There’s no guarantee the true Professional will take
the dog. If the dog is a good one, the Pro may have a number of
dogs in his string that would preclude him taking on another and
doing it justice. Or, he may have another of the same breed he has
already committed himself to showing for a period of time, which
would also mean he couldn’t do yours justice.
OR, maybe the dog is just not a
good one in his eyes. A true Pro will always tell you the truth
about your dog – even if it’s not what you want to hear. You
have to remember, the Professional’s reputation is built on the
dogs he shows and the way he cares for them and his clients. The
Professional will be honest with you in his assessment of your
dog, will give you reasons for that assessment and will not
encourage you to show a “bad” dog.
Do you realize how valuable a
service this is? No? Just ask those persons who were told by a
so-called “agent” he’d show their dog and many dollars and
months later the dog doesn’t have a point but they’ve been
told by many judges that it’s just not a good specimen. You
should hear the phone calls we get every week from some exhibitor
who says their “agent” won’t call them to let them know how
their dog did. They call to find out whether their dog was marked
absent at shows so they can be sure they’re not being billed for
service they didn’t get. This so-called “agent” also has
nothing to do with the conditioning, training, grooming or caring
for the dog. He has no investment in the job. Many times he doesn’t
even transport the dog, he just shows up at the show, takes the
dog into the ring, collects the fee and heads for home.
During a dog’s career the
Professional Handler is usually responsible for the day-to-day
conditioning, training and grooming and care of the dog. He is
responsible for advising where the conditions are most favorable
for a win for entering the dog. (Professionals know every judge’s
likes and dislikes and tailor their exhibits under that judge
accordingly. That’s good business. You want to cry “foul”
because of this? Give me a break – Juniors keep the same kind of
information, as do longtime breeders.)
The Professional has an investment
in his facility and he is responsible enough to have the
appropriate insurance coverage on that facility and for his
on-the-road activities. He is responsible enough to insure that
any animal in his facility is cared for at all times –
especially when he is on the road.
The Professional will also be
responsible for any advertising campaign. He will know the best
place for your ad, he will know the best picture, he will know
which win is best to advertise.
The Professional will know the
background of your breed. He will know the pedigrees, he will know
whether you should breed to the animal you’re thinking about.
Chances are the breeding will take place at his facility. The
Professional can look at a litter, as can the longtime breeder,
and advise you which are the “keepers”.
The Professional gives back to his
sport. He is usually available for programs, for panel
discussions, for support of his local kennel club, for advice to
Juniors, for judging matches or Juniors, for grooming clinics and
a myriad of other activities that he is called upon to undertake
within the community because he’s the local “expert”. And
they do this with a smile and for the good of the sport.
This is not to say all Handlers are
perfect. Some can be a pain in the butt, some can be overly
impressed with their own importance, yes, but they are few and far
between and no different than some exhibitors or judges.
We don’t object to judges
charging a fee for their services. Why is there such an objection
to the Professional Handler? We do, however, object when some
incident occurs and there is no action taken. The Professionals
object just as strenuously. They want their ranks policed – but
there has to be disciplinary action that will be meaningful.
This is just one of the reasons it
is important for AKC to once again have a program for licensing,
certifying or registering Professional Handlers. A clear set of
consequences for offenses must be part of that program -–and
those consequences must be meted out with a strong, equitable
hand.
A governing body that sets the
Rules and Regulations must not be afraid they will be sued. They
have set the Rules and Regulations, if a person agrees to abide by
them or accept the consequences — seems pretty clear to me. Any
governing body must be ready to defend its position if it wishes
to continue to be a governing body. That comes with the territory.
Professionals want to be recognized
as professional. They want people to know they have demonstrated
their capabilities and can meet all the requirements set forth by
the licensing body.
If you are not willing to accept
consequences, you don’t apply to be accepted into a program and
don’t agree to abide by the Rules and Regs. If you feel you must
try to weasel your way out of a situation, maybe that’s a clue
you were in the wrong and maybe you are also in the wrong job.
If you clearly violate those Rules
and Regulations, disciplinary action is meted out and that’s
pretty much it, as far as I’m concerned. You screw up, you pay.
Any parent deals with consequences to actions every day of their
child’s life. By the time you get to be an adult, this should
not be a surprise.
Here’s another thing that gets to
me: The Professional Handlers get all the breaks and all the
favors. In truth the true Professional usually doesn’t ask for
favors – he knows the Rules, he already knows what he’ll be
told. The reality is the Professionals are not usually cut ANY
slack because they are expected to know what the score is and to
abide by the Rules and Regulations. They set themselves out as
Professionals and they are expected to be and act accordingly.
Do they come with suggestions? Do
they come with ideas that will benefit all the dogs at a show?
Yes. Are they taken? Sometimes. The difference is they have
usually thought it out carefully based upon their years of
experience before they come and they are not usually looking to
benefit only themselves.
Now in an interesting twist comes
the statement that for the AKC to be pro-active in helping to
assure the public that those who hold themselves forth as
Professionals have met some standards they are “coddling” the
Professional Handler. Well, try this one on: Since many of the
Delegates are judges, and the Board members are judges, it would
seem the AKC would be “coddling” judges, if they were inclined
to “coddle”, not the professional handlers. I don’t know
about you, but I have yet to hear a judge say he’s been “coddled”
in his march through the approval process.
Get a grip, folks, this is a
positive thing. Professional is not a dirty word.
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A
Word From the AKCCHF
OPERATION TO
CORRECT OCULAR MOTOR PROBLEM AVAILABLE
The V A Medical Center in
Cleveland, OH is seeking additional canine research subjects with
Nystagmus, a genetic defect that causes the eyes to move rapidly
back and forth. The Ocular Motor Neurophysiology Laboratory has
been studying the eye movements of Belgian Sheepdogs with this
defect.
As a result of these studies, they
have developed an operation on eye muscles that slows the
oscillation and allows the dogs and humans to see better. They
have begun to apply the operation to humans who have the same eye
oscillation and have had good results.
The lab currently has two females
and one male who should be carriers of the gene, and is looking
for information from anyone who has noted such eye movements in
Belgian Sheepdogs or other breeds. Dr. Louis F. Dell’Osso,
Ph.D.,Director, requests information from breeders or owners who
have puppies with this defect. Contact him at 216/421-3224 or by
e-mail at lfd@po.cwru.edu.
NARCOLEPSY SUBJECTS NEEDED AT
STANFORD UNIVERSITY
The Stanford Center for Narcolopsy
is seeking additional canine research subjects with narcolepsy. To
be included dogs must experience sudden episodes of muscle
weakness/paralysis when excited by the presentation of food or by
other positive emotion.
The Center requests clinical
information, a blood sample and possibly a cerebrospinal fluid
sample with assistance of a veterinarian. Dogs will be quickly
adopted by the Stanford Center for narcolepsy and/or treatment
guidance will be provided. Contact Emmanual Mignot, M.D., Ph.D.,
at 650/725-6517 or mignot@leland.stanford.edu. Or contact S.
Nishino at 650/723-3724 or nishino@leland.stanford.edu.
PRESIDENT’S COUNCIL BOOTH
ACTIVITIES FOR 2000
The President’s Council now has
81 members representing 30 states. The year 2000 will continue to
be busy with visits to clubs and dog shows across the country.
The next few months will include
visits to the Norwegian Elkhound Association of America and Boxer
Club of America in Frederick, MD; the American Maltese Association
in Las Vegas, NV, and the Longshore-Southport Kennel Club and
Farmington Valley Kennel Club in CT. The AKC/CHF will also have a
booth presence at the May 26-29 shows in Plainfield, NJ.
The Foundation receives numerous
requests, and every effort is made to match club requests with
available President’s Council members. We thank all the clubs
who are interested to learn more about the work of the AKC/CHF,
and all our President’s Council members who volunteer to make
presentations.
ANNUAL FUND SPRING APPEAL
The Spring Fundraising Drive is
underway at the Foundation. Donations are tax-deductible and will
ensure the continuation of the important canine health studies.
Current projects include studies for Auto-Immune Disease,
Behavioral Disorder, Cancer, Deafness, Epilepsy, Eye Disease,
Heart Disease, Hip Dysplasia, Hypothyroidism, Kidney Disease, Skin
Disease, and continued work on the Canine Genome Map. Donations
also fund canine health education projects.
The Annual Fund campaign is the
main artery of the Foundation’s fundraising efforts. It is the
largest public source from which funds are raised for canine
health research. Last year, the total raised from individuals,
clubs and corporations was $809,896.00 and from membership was
$54,778.00. The goal for this year’s Annual Fund is to raise
$1.3 million. All donations are appreciated as we work for the
improved quality of life for dogs and their owners.
For imformation on how to make your
donation for the year 2000 and to request a packet of information
on planned giving call toll-free 1-888/682-9696.
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From
Beginning to End
by Dorie
Crowe
Well, as the saying goes, “And
now for something completely different….” In the last few
months there have been two interesting dog books that have crossed
my desk. Another curious note was that one covers the beginning of
your pup’s life and the other addresses the end of your
cherished companion’s time with you. In my opinion both books
would be worth your while to incorporate into your activities
within the Fancy.
The first book, whose publication
was funded by the AKC Canine Health Foundation and the Minnesota
Agricultural Experiment Station, is “Future Dog: Breeding for
Genetic Soundness,” by Patricia J. Wilkie. This amazing little
book (107 pages) manages to give you a course in genetics in terms
everyone can understand. And if you’re confused about some terms
they give you a glossary at that point in the text. There are
wonderful, clearly explained definitions, extremely good graphics
depicting the information they give, and, of course, many color
photographs.
The discussions regarding DNA are
especially relevant to these times in our sport. Those who watched
the O.J. Simpson trial may have had their heads spinning through
all those discussions of DNA and markers, etc. These pages contain
down-to-earth information on those subjects and more – creating
genetic maps, selecting the best genes, inheritance, mutations,
etc. What a great gift or trophy to give; what a good book to have
as part of your own library!
You may obtain this book directly
from the AKC Canine Health Foundation, 251 West Garfield Rd, Suite
160, Aurora, OH 44202 (Ph: 330-995-0807 or e-mail to akcchf@aol.com).
An added bonus is that a portion of the proceeds of the sale of
this book are returned to the Foundation to further its activities
promoting the health of our canine companions. This is a certainly
a win-win situation.
The second book, “Angel Pawprints:
Reflections on Loving and Losing a Canine Companion,” is edited
by Laurel E. Hunt and published by Hyperion. This little book (170
pages) is a collection of vintage photographs paired with prose
and poetry by literary luminaries such as Rudyard Kipling, Eugene
O’Neill and William Wordsworth as well as lesser known authors.
It is for anyone who has ever lost a dog and those in need of
immediate comfort.
Verses and stories from the 1800s
to the present day pay tribute to the special place our dogs have
in our lives. The look of the volume, from the old photographs to
the color of the paper give a vintage, peaceful and quiet quality
to the reader. Some of the text will be familiar to you (how often
have we seen “The Rainbow Bridge”?) and some will catch you
completely by surprise. In my opinion, the main thing that gets
you about this book is that every page will touch someone. (If you’re
anything like me you should have tissues at hand when you read
it.) As it expresses completely the feelings all of us who have an
animal must face at that sad time here are voices that tell you
“I understand; you are not alone.” There is probably someone
you know right now who could use this book.
This book may be obtained through
Hyperion, 77 West 66th St, NY, NY 10023-6298 (web address:
www.hyperionbooks.com). (FYI: We are also told they will be
publishing a cat version of this book tentatively called “Angel
Whiskers” in February of 2001.)
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The Shaggy Dog Stories
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
God grant me the Senility to forget
the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones
that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I’m
older, here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and
I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into
prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together;
now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being
absent minded...
5. All reports are in; Life is now
officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than
it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you’re the dog; some
days you’re the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I
sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause
accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat
cause...kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback
when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a
path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my
toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all
the cards, why does everyone to decide to play chess?
16. It’s not hard to meet
expenses... they’re everywhere.
17. The only difference between a
rut and a grave, is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of
time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get
something and then wonder what I’m here after.
(submitted by Patricia Reuter via
the Internet)
Let Dead Dogs Lie
A man runs into the vet’s office
carrying his dog, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an
examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination
table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few
moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not
willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and
comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s
body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and
sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat
thinks that your dog is dead too.”
The man is still unwilling to
accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador.
The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally
looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m
sorry, but the Lab thinks your dog is dead too.”
The man, finally resigned to the
diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, “$650.
“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?”
exclaimed the man....
“Well,” the vet replies, “I
would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The
additional $600 was for the cat scan and Lab tests.”
(submitted by Bob Carlough via the
Internet)
A ‘RIBBITING’ TALE
A man enters his local bar holding
a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the
bartender, “I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song
you can think of.”
“Ok,” says the bartender. “How
‘bout ‘Blue Moon’?” The man whispers something to the
frog, and the frog starts singing ‘Blue Moon’.
“That’s amazing,” says the
bartender as he slaps down $1000.
“I’ll bet ya another $1000 that
my iguana here can do that, too.”
“Ok, I can believe a frog, but
not an iguana. You’re on. Have him sing the ‘Star Spangled
Banner’.”
The man whispers something to the
iguana and it sings the ‘Star Spangled Banner’. As the
bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and
says, “I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your
iguana for $100,000.” The man said ok, he exchanged the iguana
for the money and the businessman left.
The bartender said, “What are you
nuts? You could have made millions with that iguana!”
The man said “Oh, the iguana can’t
sing. The frog’s a ventriloquist.”
(submitted by Mel Appell via the
Internet)aa
Humor is a good thing.
If you have a favorite doggy laff
-- particularly a true story --
please send it in and share a good laff with fellow dog enthusiasts.
Send to:
MB-F, Inc.
c/o The Shaggy Dog
P.O. Box 22107
Greensboro, NC 27420
e-mail: mbf@infodog.com
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