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June 2000 Newsletter - Volume 3. Issue 6

In This Issue

2000 MB-F, Inc.

You may use this paragraph as permission to reprint any article in the MB-F Newsletter providing 6rticles are printed in their entirety, proper credit is given to the author and to the MB-F Newsletter, and a copy of the publication in which it was reprinted is sent to the MB-F Newsletter, P.O. Box 22107, Greensboro, NC 27420. Opinions expressed by authors in this publication are their own and are not necessarily endorsed by the publisher. Publisher reserves the right to edit.

MORE THOUGHTS ON REGISTRATION …AND DATELINE
by Dorie Crowe

No matter where you go, to whom you talk, or with whom you chat online, everyone has an opinion on what to do to keep puppy millers and commercial breeders out of the equation regarding purebred dogs. How registrations can be handled better or how an AKC registration may be made more valuable in the scheme of things figures pretty heavily in anything that must be considered. Indeed, we have devoted a lot of time, effort and resources in trying to answer these questions

Along comes a program with a primetime audience like NBC’s Dateline showing the public what’s behind those pet shop puppies and we want to applaud them for showing things we’ve all been telling people about for years. In the next moment, however, they belittle the AKC registration process by showing they defrauded the system. On one hand, while watching this program I wanted very much to see a strong response from AKC. On the other hand I am well acquainted with the fact that what a production may take hours to film usually ends up a few seconds (or a couple minutes, if you’re lucky) fitted into the finished program. And, depending upon their slant to the story, what you said can be creatively edited so you don’t recognize anything you recall saying during filming. Or, they leave the really important points out and you end up with a “sound bite”. (Example for those of you who saw this program: the USDA interviewee certainly didn’t come across as very professional or informed, did he?)

The program is over. There was a follow-up the next week. Well, now what?

In these times of trying to assure the importance of having a purebred dog, correctly bred by a responsible breeder, we think it’s important to make the AKC Registration stand for something. No matter how much AKC wants to present itself as a “Registry” and policy maker only, the fact is they ARE the governing body for the sport and people look to any governing body for guidance and a standard of excellence. Anyone knows that the term “AKC registered” carries with it an implied value. Though they rightly cannot endorse any one breeder or any one dog AKC should be taking the leadership role in making the term “AKC Registered” stand for quality. The way you make the registration of a purebred dog valuable is by insuring that the purebred dog breeder meets requirements for a standard of quality or excellence in breeding.

In past issues of the Newsletter we have discussed various ideas regarding registration that appeared on our Breeders Discussion Forum at infodog.com. We also discuss this topic out on the road and in our offices. Most recently, Charlotte Stacy Brown (one of our Superintendents, a former Professional Handler and former breeder), Anna Tiedemann (another of our Superintendents and a former breeder) and I had one of those conversations over a couple of lunches. (Isn’t it nice how one can always manage to solve many of the world’s thorny problems over a nice lunch in a pleasant atmosphere with civilized conversation?) In those conversations we discussed the following items:

There are registering bodies (foreign) that require inspection of each prospective sire and dam for disqualifying faults, temperament, etc., BEFORE they may be bred. How do you suppose that would go over in this country? Of course, the first question is, “Who is doing this inspection?” This is an important question that certainly deserves a lot of thought and a fair and objective formula to be applied. We believe this is where the National Breeders Alliance could play an invaluable part. Could it be done? Absolutely. The fact that it is already being done is proof that it is logistically possible. Would this be “too much trouble” and a source of concern to puppy millers and “backyard breeders”? That’s not a bad thing, is it?

Some foreign registries require a third person be present to witness a mating. Wouldn’t this be a good piece of additional insurance along with microchipped, tattooed and DNA’d dogs?

Some of these foreign registries mandate there must be proof offered as well that all genetic tests have been done and there were no inappropriate results in either of the breeding pair. In regard to this country, breeders who are responsibly breeding their dogs have already done any genetic testing recommended appropriate for their breed, haven’t they? Would taking this extra step make a difference? Might this be “too much trouble” for some who want to breed their dog(s)? Might this be “too much trouble” for commercial breeders and puppy mills? That’s not a bad thing, is it?

(As a point of interest: In horses, there are grade horses and registered horses. The difference in the two can amount to $1,000 or more in the asking price. The American Quarter Horse Association requires the owner of the stallion to certify through a stud report the names and numbers of any mare bred by the stallion. He receives the registration applications, and the stallion owner has to endorse them as correct, fill in the breeding dates and give to the mare owner, who completes information and then the application is actually a registration application. Included with this application is a diagram in which the mare owner depicts the markings of the foal from four aspects [front, back, right side, left side] since there are certain permitted areas of white.

The registry organization that handles Appaloosas and Paints requires pictures with their application because of the distinctive markings of these animals.

If any registrations are falsified that person is out forever – not only expelled from the registry involved that received the false papers, but every other horse registry as well.)

Some breeders are already registering the individual puppies in their litters. If we could do away with registering litters and immediately register the individual puppies from the get-go would registrations be helped? Certainly registration figures would increase automatically if there were no two-tiered process, wouldn’t they? I’m sorry, but the argument that “people want to put their own name on their new puppy” is not a reasonable argument against this type of one-step registration. People may already change the name a breeder has put on their dog. Indeed, puppies could be registered as “Puppy No. 1,” “Puppy No. 2,” etc., if a breeder thought the process of changing a puppy’s name might deter someone (although I can’t see how it would when the option is already there to change a name) from taking a puppy.

If you are going to register individual puppies from the start we would probably need some sort of identification process that would accompany the registration application. Perhaps this could be a time-dated photo (you know, the picture that is developed with the day/date/year imprinted directly on the photo – I’m told this can’t be faked) of the individual puppy showing also unique color or markings, a nose print, tattoo, or DNA sample. Would this help cut down fraud in registration? It could, if handled correctly.

Of course there are always going to be people trying to outsmart the system. But if a bit of thought is put into the front end of the process and only individual puppies are registered with proper identification, this just may be enough of a deterrent to help eliminate some of the fraud that we know has been committed. (And we know there is fraud because we see the fines levied in the Secretary’s Page in each issue of the Gazette and we see the “exposes” the TV producers love to show, don’t we?) This might also help to deter some breedings. We also know that some irregularities occur just because there is bad record keeping on the breeder end or inattentiveness at the other. If the process is a bit more stringent on the front end, shouldn’t that make the end result more reliable? That’s not a bad thing.

If genetic testing, DNA information, etc., is made mandatory, greater numbers of people will be availing themselves of these aids, which means that a better price should be able to be negotiated in advance so the breeder may accomplish the requirements without going broke.

If genetic testing, DNA supporting evidence and individual registrations with identification occur will this not help to insure the Stud Book is kept pure? Will this not help to insure to the public that an AKC registered dog is a purebred dog of “quality”? Will this not show both AKC and the breeders have made a commitment to the Fancy and the public?

And let’s be sure of what we mean by “quality”. We define “quality” to mean the breeder has taken care to insure they have bred two sound individuals, inspected for disqualifying faults and temperament, certified to be free of genetic disease, with an assurance that the puppy is certain to have come from that particular litter from those particular parents.

Would this establish credibility in an AKC registration? We think so. Would responsible breeders do this? From conversations we have with breeders many are doing so now. Would backyard breeders and puppy millers be willing to do this? Probably not. Would that be a bad thing? Probably not - because if they didn’t get with the program they wouldn’t be able to advertise their dogs as “AKC Registered Puppies”, which means that their value drops and if their value drops they’ve lost their profit motive. Not a bad thing at all.

Should fees increase? If we can set up such a program, absolutely. This is not going to be an inexpensive enterprise for anybody. There would also have to be a massive ad campaign. If we’re serious about getting something accomplished we have to put our money were our mouth is. We also have to get out there and work for it.

There has been talk over the years of AKC offering some type of “Seal of Approval”. As it stands now, much of the public already believes the statement “AKC Registered” implies such an approval. If the above steps were taken all breeders who could register dogs with AKC would be meeting requirements that would show they were worthy of the title of “breeder” and the public could have some assurance they were getting a sound dog, properly bred, of the breed they had chosen.

Now, what about the movement to stop the sale of dogs and cats in pet shops? The movement to allow the sale of dogs/cats in pet shops only with a spay/neuter policy? And the idea that any dog sold from a pet shop should be ineligible for AKC registration? These are not bad ideas either - but it takes work at the grass roots level as well as nationally. Shouldn’t it follow that if the commercial breeders aren’t interested in breeding non-AKC registerable puppies that the supply of these pups to pet shops will dwindle or dry up completely? Or, someone who insists on buying a dog from a pet store might think twice if he must spay/neuter which renders them unable to produce a litter that would likely end up back at that same pet store. Not bad things at all.

Here’s a thought: Could pet shops be enticed out of “AKC purebreds” and into selling, or becoming involved in the adoption process of, the puppies and dogs that are now in shelters?

The system some breeders now use with the limited registration process, or the holding of papers until they get proof of spay/neuter from the new owner is another step in the right direction. Of course, the limited registration will not keep someone from breeding their little Poopsie, but, again, if the puppies cannot be registered they might think twice with the knowledge any puppies would have a decreased value to a prospective buyer. Not a bad thing at all.

We think this Dateline program should be shown at the next Delegate’s Meeting. We think the program should be shown at every National Specialty. We think the program should be shown at your next club meeting. After the program is over there should be a call for everyone to go home, put on their thinking caps, meet with their memberships, and come back to the next Delegate’s meeting with viable ideas to lick this problem once and for all.

Folks, it’s time to stop bitchin’ about the state of things and get out there and change them. All of you who are members of kennel clubs have the ability to be a force for change. All you member clubs have Delegates and you can be a force for change. All of you together have the power - what you chose to do with that power is the question. You could make a real difference in this thing. And that’s not a bad thing at all.

If you stop complaining and start organizing and doing it could be a very good thing for AKC, for the breeder, for the public and for the Fancy. Pretty good deal, if you ask me.

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ABOUT AKC REGISTRATIONS WITH AN ASSIST FROM THE PHILOSOPHY OF POGO
by Tom Crowe

(Pogo is, as we know, a fellow with a lot of experience and his common sense answers often make good sense when looking for solutions in solving very knotty problems.)

Two things are certain about AKC registration problems.

One: They are being blown-up to the sky by problems created by irresponsible breeders running puppy mills, puppy brokers, pet stores, the public and particularly the media searching for hot stories.

Two: Very few of the above parties plus legitimate breeders, exhibitors, clubs and the AKC have really taken the time or the effort to analyze the problems much less the possible solutions.

As Pogo says, the problem, really is us, the insiders. Over the past 117 years everyone concerned has been looking at the ends of their noses and missing the big picture building on the horizon. Very few have noticed over the years that Dog Shows and the popularity of the old breeds plus the new breeds being recognized has blossomed into a very, very large business. Suddenly we have a problem thrust upon us that we have trouble dealing with properly and thereby producing a frenzy, whereupon we must find a scapegoat. We the breeders, the exhibitors and the clubs believe we have only one place to turn and that place is the AKC. We criticize the AKC’s handling of the matter and demand they do something immediately to correct the problem. However, “we’s the problem”.

The AKC was formed as a record keeping association and rules for maintaining those records were formulated as a Gentlemen’s Agreement. The rules were basically guidelines for maintenance of the records for informational purposes to the members to assist in their breeding programs. It never entered the minds of the founders that anyone would want to cheat or misinform their friends. Soon, however, jealousy and remunerative opportunities were all to often becoming a part of the picture and more rules were adopted for the protection of the records in order to punish the offenders for violations.

And so it has been in the many generations that have followed since our founding. No major effort has been made to create a really satisfactory force to handle the many infractions that have occurred over a long period of time. In addition there has never been a substantial reason for introducing legal penalties into a gentlemen’s sport much less the real power to enforce legal rulings or legal restrictions outside the sport. In other words the AKC can take action against individuals within its own jurisdiction but generally has no power outside that jurisdiction to enforce its rulings. Now, how we can expect the AKC to solve our problems as the system now operates? It almost becomes an impossibility.

So what must we do? We the breeders, the exhibitors, the clubs, the judges, the Delegates, the Directors and the AKC staff must come together and attack the problem as a unit. The breeders must be the forerunners in the fray through a Breeder’s Alliance. They have the tools produced by the AKC to protect the entire breeding situation and its integrity as a registry body plus being a record keeper and enforcer. The Registrations Department should adapt its records to include certified pedigrees listing DNA records, photo records and chip-inserted ID’s. The cost of these proofs of identification will be well worth the protection and values of the breeders’ breeding programs and the AKC records. These dogs should be kept in a certified breeder’s data bank and bear a special type registration. To begin with, as a suggestion, AKC could offer two different types of registrations.

The first and highest valued registration should be a Class A registration verified by DNA testing, inserted chip IDs, special tests, etc., plus a photograph containing an imprinted registration number. With such information becoming part of the pedigree security will be considerably enhanced. This also falls into line with the goals of the AKC Canine Health Foundation and their research efforts to eliminate genetic diseases and improve dog health and longevity.

Secondly, the AKC should adopt a Class B registration having no verification except a statement of the breeder submitting the application with no inspection or verification. It would bear the notation This is a CLASS “B” REGISTRATION “NOT VERIFIED” and accepted only on the basis of the certification of the breeder. The AKC will state it has no method available to determine the truthfulness of the information provided and accepts no responsibility for the information as provided by the breeder. There should be no further restrictions on this type of registration, such as show eligibility and/or all other privileges except where evidence or suspicion of falsification is in question.

To carry it one step further a notarized statement by the breeders attesting to the truthfulness of the documents submitted could back up any legal action instituted by the AKC or the purchasers of any of the get in cases of dispute. It is common legal knowledge that to falsify a notarized statement is punishable by law and could lead to a substantial fine and/or imprisonment. The adoption of a notarized affidavit policy will go a long way by itself in suppressing puppy mill litter and pet store single registrations.

So, using the philosophy of Pogo to improve the system, we wish to emphasize that the system will not change or become credible until breeders themselves, the enemies within, become the leaders without in reforming their own actions in compliance with the Rules of the AKC.

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THE PROPOSAL FOR THE NATIONAL BREEDERS ALLIANCE
by Dorie Crowe

For many months now we have made our time, effort and resources available to aid in the Fight Against Irresponsible Breeders. This has been done entirely at our own expense because we feel very strongly about this issue. During the first few months of this project the idea of forming a National Breeders Alliance was born. The time is at hand to begin putting this plan into action.

Here’s how such an Alliance would work and what it could accomplish:

There would be a national Board of Directors (we envision seven with an elected Chairman, Secretary and Treasurer from these seven members). Members of the National Board would be elected by the breeder community from nominations made from the breeder community. (You may make your nominations on the Breeders Discussion Forum at http://www.infodog.com now.) These should be impartial, objective, breeders with a reputation for excellence, respected by the Fancy. They may be actively breeding or may be inactive in the breeding arena at this stage of their life while still active in other areas of the sport. There will be one breeder chosen from the East, West, MidWest, Southeast, Southwest, Central Mountain States and the Pacific Northwest. The national Board would be the Liaison from the Alliance to the American Kennel Club. Their job would be to coordinate their efforts with AKC in being advocates for purebred dogs, properly bred. The national Board will also be responsible for producing news announcements and other promotional materials (with the aid of InfoDog) supporting their mission.

It will be the job of the national Board to review all documentation sent to them by the regional Boards. It will be the national Board’s responsibility to publish on the Alliance’s web site (through InfoDog) the name of any breeder who has applied for membership in the Alliance asking for any information in support or opposition to the application. It will be the national Board’s responsibility to evaluate all information and supporting documentation received from the regional Boards and through the web site and accept or reject the applications for membership. The national Board will also be responsible for forwarding to the new Alliance member a letter advising them of the decision of the Board.

There will be a copy of the Alliance’s Code of Ethics and a Certificate of Membership, suitable for display, given to each accepted member. The new member should also note their Alliance membership in any advertising. The national Board must update the Alliance web site Breeders Directory (offered through InfoDog) with any new member’s breed, name, city and state and contact information (either phone number or e-mail address)

It will be the job of the national Board to record and account for all application fees and expenditures. The national Board will also be responsible for the investigation of complaints against Alliance members and any disciplinary action that may be taken. Disciplinary action could include publication on the Alliance web site of the complaint made and the findings of the Board; recommendation for dismissal from the Alliance (also published on the web site); recommendation to the American Kennel Club for suspension from privileges based upon serious ethics or breeding irregularities or violations.

There would be four regional Board Members (in each region as listed above, chosen from the breeder community) who would be responsible for forwarding Alliance applications to prospective members. The regional Board members would accept completed applications and be responsible for checking the references and verifying testing documentation supplied with the application. They would also assign the applicant to the local all-breed or specialty club committee closest to the applicant’s location for facilities inspections. They will forward a copy of the application and copy of the photo of the facility to the committee. The regional Board would accept the Inspection Committee’s report and supporting documentation. If there are any discrepancies the regional Board should resolve them with the applicant. If everything is in order at this point the regional Board will forward all information to the national Board of Directors for their action.

The regional Board does not accept or reject applications; they forward their findings to the national Board for action.

Each kennel club and specialty club can be involved (this involvement should earn credits for the club within either the educational realm or perhaps another appropriate area) with the formation of three- to five-member (depending upon the breeder population in their area) Inspection Committees. Members of these committees must be able to be objective and focused on the task. They are not evaluating the show quality of the applicant’s dogs or their breeding programs. They are evaluating information personally observed.

The Inspection Committees will receive applications/photos from the regional Boards and make an appointment with the applicant. Only one person is needed per inspection. All applications must be accompanied by a photograph of the facilities for the dogs and their whelping area. The person who inspects the facility of the applicant will have a Facility Inspection Report form. The person who inspects the facility would also check the type of records the breeder keeps and check on the method of identification used for the applicant’s dogs. (The applicant must provide certain statistics on the application and it is important to know whether the applicant’s record keeping methods could easily support those statistics.) It would be the Inspection Committee member’s job to report any discrepancy between the number of dogs the applicant has, the facility as described and pictured in the application and the results of the actual inspection. The Inspection Committee does not make any recommendations regarding acceptance into the Alliance. They simply observe and document what they have actually seen and forward it to the regional Board.

Breeders wishing to become members of the National Breeders Alliance must complete a comprehensive six-page questionnaire and forward with photographs of their facility and breeding/whelping area and references (their veterinarian, three non-family people in their breed and three non-family persons to whom they have sold a pup or dog [one at least five years ago, one three years ago, and one within the last year] to the regional Board.

Breeders will pay a reasonable membership fee (to be determined by the national Board) that will accompany the application. A percentage of the fee will be retained by the National Breeders Alliance to be devoted to national media campaigns, to cover regional Board costs and National Board costs, etc. A percentage of the application/membership fee will be forwarded to the kennel club whose Inspection Committee performed the inspection, and a percentage will be devoted to maintenance of the web site and updating of programming.

Membership will be renewable each year at a reduced fee (also to be determined by the national Board). Once a breeder is admitted into the Alliance there will be routine inspections done on a rotating basis. There will be an inspection and investigation whenever a legitimate, documented complaint is made. If a breeder drops their membership and wants to apply for membership at a later date they must start the approval process from the beginning.

This is the working model for the National Breeders’ Alliance. We have forwarded this information to AKC for their comments and have asked them for their cooperation and support.

We are now asking each breeder, All-Breed, Specialty and Parent Club for their constructive input. We have already begun asking for nominations for the national Board at our web site http://www.infodog.com and some names are beginning to come in now. We will be asking, too, for additional agenda items of concern to responsible breeders that the Alliance should begin to research and address. These items should include negotiating a reduced price for genetic testing for the membership. Other items suggested include special offers on pet insurance and liability insurance. At the top of the list is the extremely important Fight Against Irresponsible Breeders — it was this fight, after all, that was the catalyst for the formation of the National Breeders Alliance.

Who will speak for the breeders? This is their chance to speak for themselves — in a loud voice!

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From Where I Sit
by John S. Ward

It comes as a shock to the average novice exhibitor to discover that the best dog in Breed, Group, or even Best in Show competition does not always win. Their concept up to this time is that the selection process which takes place at the show is totally based on the merits of the dog shown and that, barring ignorance on the part of the judge, a superior specimen need only be deposited in the ring and that he will inevitably win. This is the moment of truth for the novice and how he adjusts to this new concept will determine whether or not he continues in the sport. Sometimes an experienced exhibitor may be able to point out to the novice that not only is dog show judging subjective at best but that conformation to a Breed Standard in itself is not enough to guarantee a win.

What the novice must understand is that presentation of the dog in the ring can be just as important as the dog’s conformation. A dog that will not gait properly makes it difficult if not impossible for the judge to evaluate its movement and to determine thereby whether the dog is put together properly. Successful presentation of the dog in motion is first of all a function of how adequately the dog has been trained to gait and secondly is dependent on the handler’s skill in moving at the proper pace, manipulating the lead so as to control the dog but not interfere with his willingness to move and finally the handler’s ability to adjust to the terrain and to successfully handle his charge smoothly and naturally in the presence of other dogs and handlers.

The other important aspect of presentation is of course grooming. While it has little significance with regard to the smooth-coated breeds, proper grooming is essential in the case of the long-coated and rough-coated types of dogs. It might be easier for all concerned if dogs in the show ring required only a bath and a brushing but alas such is not the case. As a matter of fact skillful grooming as you well know is often used to cover up deficiencies in conformation.

The rationale for the above is very simple. The breeding and showing of purebred dogs is not only a pleasurable hobby but it is also a competitive sport. There are winners and losers at dog shows as there are in most aspects of human culture and competition is built into our genes. It is neither immoral nor unethical to take every legitimate step that might help in putting Phideaux in the winner’s circle.

Which brings us to the subject of Professional Handlers. Our novice handler is inevitably exposed to the notion that dog show judging is political and that the amateur does not have a chance. He is told that if we could only get rid of the Professional Handlers all of our problems would be solved and we would all have an equal chance. This of course is sheer nonsense since in that brave new world the more gifted and hard working amateurs would rise to the top and we would be back where we started.

Unfortunately in these days of instant gratification many new exhibitors are unwilling to spend the time and effort required to be a successful breeder and a competent exhibitor and handler. The best advice to give a sincere ambitious beginner would be to find a mentor such as a successful breeder and offer his or her services to that individual in return for assistance in learning how to properly present a dog in competition. If such an arrangement is not possible, the next best thing is to join an active breed club so as to be able to draw upon the knowledge and experience of the more senior members.

One final note. If you discover you have two left feet, or if you do not have the time to travel to shows, do not hesitate to use a Professional Handler. All of us should be capable of becoming knowledgeable breeders, but do not feel that all is lost if you simply cannot trim a dog properly or if you cannot walk in a straight line in a ring.

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A Word From  the AKCCHF

HEALTH SURVEY TO PARENT CLUBS

The Parent Club Health Survey will be mailed to the Health Chair and Corresponding Secretary of every Parent Club in early summer. The purpose of the annual survey is to gather information about current health research issues and activities. Information provided by Parent Clubs will be used by the Foundation to identify health research priorities and projects of mutual interest among Parent Clubs. This will enable AKC CHF to serve the Parent Clubs by coordinating health research interests and soliciting priority projects from research institutions. It is very important that all Parent Clubs participate. Club officers with questions are welcome to call Erika Werne, Grants Administrator, at the Foundation office 1-888-682-9696.

CHF AND RALSTON PURINA SPONSOR DAY OF SEMINARS AT ISAG

Following their 1998 conference in Auckland, New Zealand, the International Society for Animal Genetics (ISAG) will hold their year 2000 conference in St. Paul, MN, the weekend of July 23-27. The Foundation will work with the Ralston Purina Company to sponsor a half-day seminar series on canine genetics in conjunction with the conference. Attendees will be invited to learn about the latest advances in the field of canine health research. Printed proceedings from these seminars will be made available as an AKC CHF white paper titled, “ISAG Update on Canine Genetics 2000.”

SAMPLES NEEDED FOR CATARACT STUDY

The AKC Canine Health Foundation is funding Grant 1637: “Identification of DNA Marker(s) for Cataracts in Purebred Dogs, with Emphasis on the Breeds Alaskan Malamute, Siberian Husky, Samoyed,” at Michigan State University. Researchers currently need samples in these breeds. To participate, contact the principal investigator, Vilma Yuzbasiyan-Gurkan, Ph.D., at yuzbasiyan@cvm.msu.edu.

SAMPLES NEEDED FOR CANCER RESEARCH

The AMC Cancer Research Center in Denver, CO is recruiting cancer study participants. Dr. Jaime Modiano, principal investigator of the study, is requesting samples for melanoma and lymphoma research. Owners of affected dogs AND relatives of affected dogs in the following breeds are urged to participate: Rottweilers, Boxers, Giant Schnauzers, Standard Schnauzers, Miniature Schnauzers, all Scottish Terriers, Irish Setters, Gordon Setters and Doberman Pinschers. Contact Dr. Modiano at his office by calling 303-239-3408 or e-mail modianoj@amc.org.

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wpe9.jpg (1939 bytes)    The Shaggy Dog Stories

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED…

Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before.

When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, “We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!”

The pilot regretfully explained, “Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You’ll have to leave the other two behind.”

Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. “We won’t allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk,” Jake demanded.

The eager-to-please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About 15 minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.

Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, “Do you have any idea where we are?”

Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, “Yes! We’re about a mile from where we crashed last year.” (submitted via the Internet) 

HALLELUJAH!

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, sir, I am.”

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

“Have you found Jesus?” the Minister asked.

“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and asks, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

“No, I did not!” said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, “For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?” (submitted by Rita Lynch via the Internet)

THEN AND NOW

Then: Long hair Now: Longing for hair

Then: A keg Now: An EKG

Then: Acid rock Now: Acid reflux

Then: Moving to California because it’s cool. Now: Moving to California because it’s hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents Now: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: The President’s struggle with Fidel Now: The President’s struggle with fidelity

Then: Killer weed Now: Weed killer

Then: The Grateful Dead Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint Now: Getting a new hip joint

When Sex is good

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy.” I call mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like to have one, too.” Then I said, “But this is a dog!” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “But you don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!” The clerk said, “Me too.”

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “Me too.” Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, “Me too.”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?” I said, “I’m looking for Sex.”

My case comes up Friday.

 

Humor is a good thing.

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